Welcome to the exciting conclusion of our program; Sarah’s Celebrity Love Showdown. We’ll start at the bottom and quickly work our way up to the top; the Big Guns of my celebrity crush list. These boys are in the mix, duking it out, giving it all they’ve got, clawing their way up the rungs to have that most coveted and comfy space; filling up my heart with their messy boy ways and beautiful eyelashes; their imagined cooking skills extraordiniare; basking in the glow that is me, because obviously I think I’m super awesome and absolutely of course they would want me, that goes without question… doesn’t it for any gal? So, let’s get this started! At the sound of the gong, boys. Eins, Zwei, DREI!!!
As millions of fan girls scream in outrage, the bottom of my list starts with Tom Hiddleston. He’s on the list because his accent is magnificent, he portrays a character who does make it higher onto my list, he seems really swell and funny and charming and did that Sesame Street skit with Cookie Monster… however, his natural hair reminds me too much of Gene Wilders and it freaks me out. It’s an irrational fear, I don’t know. The hair takes him way down on the list.
Next up, Peter Dinklage. I’ve liked him for a long time, since I saw him in Tiptoes. He’s a fab actor and endearing and quite attractive, but for some reason it just feels wrong to like him so much because he has a wife and kids. Doesn’t affect others on this list, just him for some reason, I don’t know.
I do. I most certainly do have a crush on Jack Black. Funny is sexy as hell, y’all! Plus his role in The Holiday absolutely earned him a place on this list. He’s just so funny (in most roles), and laid back and seems SO amazingly nice and wonderful. Sometimes I do get hearts for eyes over him.
Ah, Simon Pegg, what nerdy gal doesn’t have a major crush on him? He would rank much higher on this list, but if I didn’t know him and he was just some random bloke on the street, he looks just like any other guy around here who would live in a run down trailer out in the middle of nowhere, waving a Confederate flag, and being all scary. Which only leads me to believe that most people around here, well, their ancestors were British. So, really on site, he’s not sexy, it’s his wit and humour and him in action that makes me adore him so much!
Who doesn’t swoon over James McAvoy… OK, well I’m sure there are people out there, but I don’t know them. There has not been a role of his that I’ve seen, that I did not like. His voice is so superb, that he made a cartoon gnome quite fetching! Hello, Gnomeo! But, I digress. He would make it higher on the list, but I’m not sure he would be that friendly… to me anyways.
Michael Fassbender made it to the list because the roles I’ve seen, he’s quite good in. He is part German and a fluent speaker of the language. I also really dig his surname, and of course he’s attractive. He skyrocketed up, today in fact, past James McAvoy, because look at that GLORIOUS facial hair! I had hearts for eyes while searching photo’s of him after seeing this. Well done, sir… well done, indeed! He is not higher on the list because he seems like he would be a jerk in real life. Shame.
Damian Marley makes the list so high for several factors. I like his music, that’s a basic given. And besides being gorgeous and having glorious facial hair, it’s really his patois that I enamoured by (and why he’s here in this spot). The further from average American it is, the most I’m apt to like it. I’m also very big into other languages and accents. Of course he would be on this list! Though, he doesn’t rank higher, because I imagine that he wouldn’t be very nice to me.
Dean Winchester sleeps around A LOT and he’d never have time for you, if he was even interested in you, which I’m thinking, in my case, would be a no. But, he probably would be nice to me, we might even be friends. I like that he’s good-looking (obviously), rugged, owns such a fab car, knows how to work on cars. He’s nice, caring, fun and funny. He’s my favourite on the entire show. Well, that’s not true. My favourite is really Crowley, but I’m not really attracted to him more than he’s just a really badass character.
How can you not adore this look? The incredible hat, that fierce hairstyle, and that really great ‘stache! Plus he’s SO, so nice. He’d make the perfect boyfriend. He’d really care about you, and listen to you, and be loads of fun. We’d get on so well, I’m sure… but, he’s just lacking that certain je ne sais qua? that would make him epic.
I’m not too big into blondes, which I, myself, am finding apparent with this list. But this is a blonde that works for me. Is it the facial hair braids? The fact that he looks like butter or whipped cream? He’s just so golden and it works for him… well, I guess really it just works for me. He reminds me of my cat, Puff-Puff. This is terrible, I know, but there are people out there who have a definite line between human and cat, but can see similarities. Anyway. They’re both simple, as in fresh off the farm, though not stupid, and golden and fluffy. And so sappy sweet. Look at that face? Tell me he’s not tendew hawted. You just want to say “Wee Lamb” or “Bless Him” when you see his face. Plus his very unhonourable death in The Battle of Five Armies film enraged me so, that he gets bumped up on the list to his current spot.
He makes me grin like an awkward school girl. I’ve had hearts for eyes about him since I first saw him in The Goonies when I was five. I’ll watch anything that has him in it, even though I can’t appreciate any of the characters really because all I see is Josh Brolin. The film, W, about lil’ Bush is the perfect example. I did not see George W. Bush, just Josh Brolin as a Texan. Though my favourite character of his is of younger Agent K in Men in Black III.
It is inexplicable, this crush on Linus Roache, or why he’s so far up on the list. Just having a nice British accent shouldn’t warrant such a high placement, but there are no logics, it just is. Perhaps it’s because no one know who he is? I feel people should know him. It makes me sad. Is it a pity placement? Yes, and no. Yes for the high spot, but he’d be on this list anyways.
This picture should about explain everything, right? He’s gorgeous; a Scandinavian god to boot. He’s awkward, adorkable, and fierce. He has his own war hammer, for Odin’s sake! Loyal, kind, friendly… I feel like I’m describing a puppy. Perhaps he is kind of like a puppy. Loki certainly is a cat, if he were an animal. I probably wouldn’t be his Jane Foster, but we’d get on just fine.
Like every other young girl in American I was completely in love with Uncle Jessie on the telly show, Full House. And much like all the other little girls, we never thought he could get any better looking than he was right then and there. I can’t speak for all those other girls, but he’s just exploding gorgeousness every time that I see him. My face makes ridiculous grins and he makes me not talk good and stuff. His ability to get better looking with age, the greying in his hair and that he is super hot with a beard keeps him in such a top mark on this list. Oh, and the fact that he seems like an adorkable fun nerd and he loves Disney Land… he can’t be too bad, right?
I love an anti-hero and surprisingly he is the only one on my list. Vin Diesel seems like a really nice guy and all, but really does nothing for me (except in the role of Shane Wolf in The Pacifier), and as Richard B. Riddick. It’s that hardcore, badass, loner attitude. And he’s really not a bad guy, he’ll help save you. And a darker skinned badass alien, the last of his kind, with shine eyes to see in the dark. Umm, yes please.
Why, yes, technically Michael Fassbender made the list twice, but I really like the character of Erik Lensherr as portrayed by him. There’s not really much else to say. I just like this character a lot, but since he can’t help but be the evil character he isn’t higher on the list.
This character is way more my speed. I think Erik Lensherr/Magneto would probably make me cry. Charles Xavier? He’s nice to everyone! Even if he didn’t think I was a swell gal, we’d probably still be friends. Plus, he has the mutant power that I’ve always wanted, so of course I think he’s the best. And that accent. Plus he’s just really pretty.
Dwalin’s the first dwarf to show up at Bilbo’s house and he’s also the first one to make me choke on my popcorn. “Jackson put in gorgeous dwarves? Perhaps he’s the only one…” I was to be surprised four more times, by dwarves at least. I went into the film wanting to know as little about it as possible. Any additions Jackson did, or who he’d cast, etc. I couldn’t get past the inevitable big news like Martin Freeman as Bilbo or the controversy with casting Orlando Bloom in a non-existent reprised role… eh, let me check my nerd right here, this post is not about The Hobbit. I’ll keep going if I don’t stop myself now.. Point is… I was not expected hot dwarves, basically. While his table manners were atrocious, they’re not the worst I’ve seen, so I let it slide. Just look at him! He looks like a total epic badass! Tattoo’s, scars, he’s such a brute with all those muscles and how fantastically stoic and hardcore is he?. And his deep voice and accent, just whew! Gorgeous! His placement might also be as high as it is, because no one’s fangirling over him… but me.
This is a character my sister can not stand. I’ll just state that first. I’m not sure why I’m drawn to him. The man wears a fat suit and his balding! I think it’s that he’s Belgian and has a French accent, a really terrific moustache, and has brilliant deductive reasoning skills. It’s also rather endearing that he’s a little fussy. He would treat a lady right, though. I’d have fine, luxury travel accommodations, he’d make sure I slept well, had my morning coffee. He would adore me, even if he might be a bit OCD and would feel the need to constantly straighten or tuck me in here and there.
The bassist for the industrial band Rammstein, is an impressive (at least to me) six feet and six AND three-quarter inches tall. Yes, you read that correctly. He is not only well over 6 feet, he’s also got a 3/4 tacked onto the extra 6 inches over those 6 feet. What? I have to meet someone this tall. I’m intrigued… He’s slender. He’s German. Really, that last one’s a huge point. He does not speak anything but German, he would just rather not speak English. He seems really, really, really nice. I like to imagine that he would gladly bring me taquito’s, because I fantasize that he’s the best taquito maker ever; speaking only German to me and being nice and adorable. They are good, the dreams that I have.
Ah, Stellan Skarsgård. He’s Swedish, which is, yes you guessed it, not American. His accent is sublime… and I just really like his name. His name is so far removed from my every day life that it’s like a magical word; I do indeed name drop him as often as possible just so the words can spill from my lips. It’s like that scene in the film, Elf “Francisco! That’s fun to say!” Exactly. But, there is also something really attractive about him besides the voice and the name, though I couldn’t really say what it is. His most gorgeous role was that of Cerdic in King Arthur (photo). My sister, however, thinks that he looks like an old potato or a Doozer from Fraggle Rock. I laugh, but I still think it’s a bit harsh. And everyone’s all ga-ga over the son, Alexander. Pfft! You can keep him!
Lee Pace. He’s gorgeous. He’s the new IT boy. Surely he is, right? He’s a phenomenal actor, except for that one part. He ranks high on the list because I have liked four of his characters, with two making this list. But, he gets this spot, because I don’t think we would get on. Besides being American (I mean I can let that slide right, after all, that’s me as well), he seems like he would be one of those American guys. Makes fun of people, hangs out only with super pretty people, tells revolting jokes, drinks too much on the weekends. You know how it goes… He’s probably a really swell guy too. Also of not is that my sister thinks he’s probably a psychopath. “It’s something in the eyes, man! You can’t trust him.” Perhaps she is right. But her thinking he’s probably a psychopath, makes me laugh and actually moved him a bit further up on this list.
Speaking of psychopath types, one did make it onto my list; and at a pretty high spot too. Scandinavian god whose a tall drink of water with a delicious accent. He’s so dangerous and beautiful all in the same instance. He’s like fire. You know you shouldn’t touch it because it will burn, but you just really want to. In my fantasies he wouldn’t throw me under a bus, but you know he would. He would be absolutely terrible to any girl. He would be the guy who would slice off my skin to wave as a battle flag, well just before he ran away from said battle, that he no doubt caused. But horns. Huge golden horns. And I do really like fire.
This film was a double role for Lee Pace. He did a great job with both roles, but there was only one I was interested in. It is that of The Masked Bandit, a character in the stories that he tells to the little nine year old girl who won’t leave him alone while they are both in hospital. You see the stories through her mind, and she plugs him in as her hero. He really is everything a girl could ever want. He’s perfectly beautiful, dashing and courageous, tough yet gentle. And that outfit is fierce. FIERCE! At this point, I didn’t think that Lee Pace could look better in any other role… I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Four other beautiful dwarves preceded him in the film. I thought I was safe; I thought that was the end of the beautiful dwarf parade. But then he arrived on the scene and uttered his first line. I let out an audible “hnnnng… uhhh….I…” and dropped the bag of popcorn, while pointing at the screen and worrying my dad that I might be having a brain hemorrhage. It was official. I had hearts for eyes. The film went by in a blur and all I could hear was that baritone resounding in my brain and something about all of it was beautiful and that there was grey hair involved somehow. I still half curse Peter Jackson over that. It’s a story, damn it. I wanted to watch a story, not be distracted by a 4.5 foot hot mess of flawed perfection with sapphire eyes and legs to jelly inducing voice laden with haunted sorrow.
And here is where I was so utterly and miserably wrong. This. Nothing can top this role. There are no comprehensive words. Look at those eyebrows. His cool, casual and detached demeanor. His quiet ferocity. Isn’t there a something about something being so resoundingly beautiful and it making one cry? I am that. I am not making sense. He makes me not make sense. He would be the top reigning champ of all time (even over Indiana Jones, gasp! Blasphemy, I know!), if it weren’t for Lee Pace; the whole air about him. And that one role. Though his performance (and flawless beauty) as Thranduil more than makes up for both, which is why this character is almost evenly tied with the ultimate and current reigning champ.
Ladies and gentlemen, the current reigning champion of my heart in Sarah’s Celebrity Love Showdown; THE Richard Armitage. Why is he the reigning champion? Several reasons. His portrayal of Thorin in The Hobbit, his portrayal of John Thornton in North & South, his portrayal of Harry Kennedy in The Vicar of Dibley, his portrayal of Lucas North in MI-5. That he spoke a bit of Russian in MI-5. That he voluntarily learned some Māori just to say to the council representatives, “Thank you for letting us film The Hobbit here in your land.” That he’s funny; and he seems charming as well as well-educated. That he knows, realizes, and voices that they, as in the English, are the conqueror’s, but never the conquered. That he’s really tall; and as I mentioned before has that gorgeous baritone, those piercing blue eyes, and that accent is so, so lovely. He was gorgeous sans facial hair, but be still my beating heart when he has a beard!
Though he might lose his top spot for a two reasons: A) He is a real person and not merely a character, so it gets awkward. B) He seems too perfect, which is too difficult to explain. It’s a little eerie and kind of weirds me out. Not enough to bump him down just yet, but perhaps. Who knows.