I talk… a lot. As usual. It’s kind of all over the place from music to telly to films to the devil magicks of tits & the body being powered by gnomes. It’s weird, but when is it not?
And just for the record… I LOVE that room up there! The pink colour, the gold metal lines of the ceiling, the plants. It’s perfection.
I’m still working on my room. Which I don’t think I’ve mentioned here, but I’ve repainted & redecorated. Anyways, the point is that I was listening to I Heart The 80’s on IHeartRadio via my telly.
So, Van Hagar Halen’s When It’s Love came on. Ya know with lyrics like,
How do I know when it’s love
I can’t tell you but it lasts forever
How does it feel when it’s love
It’s just something you feel together
And then right after that they played Foreigner’s I Wanna Know What Love Is. With lyrics like,
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I made an aside to Lil’ Small, who was helping me with my room & said, “Well, Foreigner should just ask Van Halen, right?”
Made me laugh. Just so you all know who you’re workin’ with here.
Speaking of music. I heard a snatch of the song Paparazzi the other day on the radio & I wanted to actually hear that song. Turns out it’s Lady Gaga. I have found that I know of a fair few of her songs, having heard bits of them on the radio, but I didn’t know they were her. I only know everyone talking about her outrageous outfits & then that she was on AHS: Hotel.
I’m… new to the whole Lady Gaga thing. So, here we go. I clicked on the official video & it’s cool & also annoying that she wants to make billion hour film videos (because there were several), but it said that Alexander Skarsgård was in it. “Ooh! It’s Lil’ Smalls’ boyfriend!”, meaning I’d have to tip her off to it.
Interesting video. I like that she was gimpy from the fall & looked like sexy C-3PO & had jagged movements. I mean, whose ever really done that so that’s cool.
Watched other videos & the one with Beyoncé had me laughing because I felt like I was just watching some girl on girl porn on USA Up All Night or something.
But I don’t get her talkin’ about God & Jesus like she’s religious. Is she? Seems strange. Being all in love with Ju-ju-ju Judas Ah-ah-ah or whatever & then sayin’ that she’s all into Jesus. Then saying HIM (as in God) made her this way & she’s touches herself. Well, I mean masturbation is natural, but I’m not seein’ all the little Baptist kids at bible camp blastin’ out Born This Way & singing about God while rubbin’ themselves.
“What the fuck am I watching?!?” as I laughed… a lot.
So, my take away is really I liked her in AHS:Hotel & I could have sworn she had bigger tits in that than she does in her videos & also the only song that I like by her is Paparazzi.
It was also a little weird that she just wants to dance in her underwear, but whatever.
The other day in the car, we switched the station to the the local university one & I was like, “I think this is Lana Del Rey..” then we made fun of her voice, because we figured it out. She sounds like she’s laying down on her side with her face half-shoved into a pillow. We like her music & voice, but we finally pegged it. It’s lazy. We laughed.
Has some merit because it’s like in a weird way they are a competing act. Female singers pushing the envelope with how outlandish they can be. I prefer serial killers & sad, drugged up girls in a bluesy voice to upbeat alien lady who apparently slept with all the Spanish speaking men because is his name Alejandro? Or is it Fernando? Or perhaps Roberto? Well, anyway, don’t call me again. lol.
I’ve been watching Drag me to Dinner, which is… fucking weird. But I am enjoying it & even though I’m only halfway through (so this might change), I found me & Lil’ Small as Drag Queens.
So, in epi 3, Baby Shower, the ladies that did the baby shower where she’s in the beauty queen circuit & didn’t have her baby shower & her baby is all grown up so there having the party now, yeah, I’m the “baby” in that one. Whoever that Queen was, because I can’t remember their names & they’re not supplying them on IMDB with the epi’s. Ooh, I figured it out. Peachez Iman-Cummings.
And in epi 5, Divorce Party, Lil’ Small would be Alaska 5000. I’m pretty sure there isn’t another Alaska listed for this show in IMDB, which would make her other name Alaska Thunderfuck & I can’t stop laughing.
However. And I’m sure she’s super swell, but Alaska’s counterpart… well… she just seemed like Jeffery Dahmer in drag to me. Perhaps it was that particular style of glasses she was sportin’, or the prominent chin area that is similar or even the masculine voice. Perhaps it was the “severed” hands coverin’ her “tits”… but it was freaking me out.
Actually she still seemed like Dahmer even after changing outfits, so no glasses or “severed” hands, & she was pretending to be Ivanka Trump, but it still just felt like Dahmer pretending to be Ivanka, y’all!
She seemed… young. And they do a podcast, which is kind of hipster, right? So, maybe she doesn’t know she’s emulating Dahmer? Or maybe that’s her secret schtick? I… I don’t know. Maybe they’re too young to know who that is?
I know drag shows aren’t just women dressed like women, they are comediennes & actors. It’s a show. It’s all meant to be fun & funny & frivolous, & just a little dirty & flirty. And just like other entertainers it can go from one extreme to the other.
I find that if it’s too crass, I don’t find it funny, but trashy. I don’t mind a little filth, but honestly you gotta know where the line is so you don’t cross it… or too often. It’s like with films. Sometimes the dirty joke just doesn’t land. At all. It’s not funny. People think I’m some prude, but really I’m just particular. I dig dirty, but you gotta do it right.
So, needless to say, some of these pairs… I’m not a fan of, while others are funny & awesome. And… it freaked me out on an epi of Nailed It!, when they had double up contestants, so they had two Drag Queens on there. But… I couldn’t stop staring at their tits. They did not look like some bustier pushing their pectoral muscles up to form “tits”. “What the hell kind of devil magicks is this?!”
I mean, I was thinking, who really would spend money on implants… even though I know people do that, but most Drag Queens aren’t full time Drag Queens. Right? As in they aren’t constantly wearing women’s clothing, being women. So… would one fully commit to actual tits?
So, I realized some things. I really only know Drag Queens from the 90’s. And I’m not just talkin’ films like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert or Too Wong Foo or The Birdcage, or even Connie & Carla. I mean, there were Drag Queens here in po-dunk-ville. I never got to go to a show, because I was a baby teenager, but I did know the Queens & they discussed the shows & techniques with me… also intimating that it was all super secret.
I just thought it was just this super secret club… I didn’t realize it could get ’em killed or harassed, as they didn’t say that. But a lady on the show, they did a memorium for her, because she passed away after recording her epi & they were discussing how she was a pioneer in the scene back in the 90’s when Drag was not mainstream & rather dangerous. “Holy fuck! OK, I get it now!”
Because, I mean, I was kind of impressed that everyone on the show is someone we’re supposed to know. I sound like an old person, but it’s true. “Back in my day…” you didn’t know a Queen unless you knew her & were friends with her or went to the show. But as I said, I’m like an old person. Half the time I think that to research something I’ll have to pack it all in & drive across town to the library, until a contemporary (or even someone older) says, “Just fucking use Google!” while lookin’ at me like I’m crazy.
So my mind isn’t automatically thinking that it’s the digital age & everyone & everything is connected now. I mean, it should hit since I watch those videos from Trixie Mattel & was currently watching a cooking game show with Drag Queens. Uh, hello, Sarah! Anyone home?
I mean, even here in po-dunk-ville, we have Hattiesburlesque & Hattiesdrag. I know that burlesque isn’t about Drag Queens, but I never thought this town would have a fucking burlesque show! That was advertised. That was popular. The same is true about Hattiesdrag, which is an advertised & popular drag show. I mean, the drag shows in the 90’s were very hush-hush. You didn’t know, unless you knew. It was never discussed & certainly never advertised, much less during a family friendly event like Festival South that happens every June, which is the case with both of these shows. Awesome, but yeah, colour me totally surprised!
So, it was interesting to learn (though one would think I’d have figured it out by now) that these Queens on the show are fucking famous. They have their own shows or are in films or have internet spots or podcasts. It’s not just some stage somewhere in some big city. These Queens are fucking international. They even had two that were models. Drag Queen models?!? How fucking cool is that? Yes, I do feel like I live under a rock, but even if I don’t know and am surprised, at least I think it’s awesome instead being some schmuck, right?
But the mystery of the tits has been solved. I mean, like I said, the ladies I talked to were all old school, talkin’ about tuckin’ their junk & pushing their pectorals up to make “boobs”, which is why I was so shocked when I saw what was clearly not this tactic on Nailed It! & later on earlier epi’s of Drag Me To Dinner.
But those two models showed up with no “boobs” at all, I mean, as flat chested as can be, but once in their costumes for dinner they had, well they had Tripple Z tits strapped to them, but & while I still don’t understand the mechanics, it must be some tit bra smoothed out with make-up, because while they were so large to be comically unreal, they seemed real & not like something I’d come up, that would clearly not be precision oriented to seem real. (like you’d see lines or straps if I was to do this… or made of cardboard! haha).
Others attached “tits” to themselves for their dinners & clearly showed up with no “tits”, so just some harness or something & not actual implants. It’s not to say that some Queens wouldn’t spring for this, but really I was thinking that was crazy, because what a fucking commitment. But I suppose it would make sense if you said, “Nope, I’m representin’ as a woman ALL the damn time!”, but otherwise, ya dig? Anyways, still doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder how exactly that tit contraption works, because I simply like to know the mechanics of things.
Here’s who you’re workin’ with here. So, dicks (yeah, I’m jumpin’ outta the startin’ gate with this), I don’t understand how they get hard. No, bear with me. I understand they they get hard, & an excess rush of blood has been bandied about, but really. I mean I know this happens, but how does it happen? It’s the same as my menstrual cycle. Obviously I know that this happens, but how does it happen? You can’t just say to me, “The fallopian tubes release an egg & you bleed & the uterus sloughs off a layer..” but that’s simply not enough information for me. How does it happen?
My girl parts aren’t sittin’ there checkin’ their calendars & watches saying, “RELEASE THE EGG! IT’S TIME!!!!”, but you’ve left me with no other option than this ridiculous scenario to fill in the gaps with, so I’ve filled it in with gnomes.
I mean, poop has been explained, (& why is this the only thing that’s really been explained thoroughly, I ask?), that your gallbladder releases bile & that colours your waist, bacteria living along the track, well everything goes, so they are going & that makes it smell foul (ya know, not like cinnamon buns or something) & your muscles just contract & move the waist along the path until the exit. That’s good enough for me honestly. It made perfect sense & nothing felt… excluded from the explanation for me to keep wondering.
But, & I feel like these are just bodily functions that one is supposed to accept & not look too closely at, but really how does a guy get hard? What constitutes that blood to just rush there & how is rushing blood doing these devil magicks? Are dicks & clits made of different elements than my lips or my ass or something? Or my feet? I’ve had blood rush to these area’s & they don’t suddenly rise (though lips can plumb up a little, it’s not the same.). My toes don’t suddenly curl up or rise & my feet don’t plumb up even though they’ve been deprived of blood & then it all goes rushin’ back.
Is there an extra element or filament than in my ass? And a lack of blood supply is different than a sudden rush because of sexual excitement & how does the body, exactly, react to sexual stimulant? Not physical stimulation, just seeing something that is sexy. How do people interpret this differently (ya know, having different things that turn them on) & then just have their bodies react in time?
They’re not illogical questions I’m askin’. Why don’t we all have the same things that turn us on, why is it different for all people & how does the brain get that message of arousal to our girl & boy junk? You can tell me brain waves or electrical brain impulses, but that’s just skimming the surface & doesn’t adequately explain the situation.
So, I’m left with no other option since people shut me down (“It just is! Blood vessels & brain waves!”), to think that it’s gnomes.
“Red alert! Red alert! He’s seen tits! Call down to engineering. Tell them to start turning the full on erection crank! This is not a drill. We are a-go. I repeat, we are a-go!”
“But sir… tits? Are we sure he’s into tits?”
“Yes, Johanson, it’s in the goddamned manual right here! Just get on the horn & call down to the crank room! Now!”
Ya know, this explains everything so well. When a guy can’t get it up? The gnomes are just passed out drunk or out on an unscheduled holiday.
And we’re made of the same stuff. Yes, clits are basically the exact same as dicks, just smaller & with apparently more nerve endings, but I’m thinkin’ they don’t work exactly the same. Sure they rise, but… am I just broken? It seems like guys can get hard on the turn of a dime. Is that only when they’re teenage boys, because it’s not like I see a lot of adult men having to cover their junk with a trapper keeper. Can they control it better as they get older? But, all the things that are said about guys, I never really had that problem.
Not tryin’ to be crass or “sexy” here, just scientific, but while my clit has gotten it up before without physical stimulation, it takes a whole hell of a lot for this to happen. It’s not because it’s a Tuesday (I saw some tits). Does this happen easily to girls? Like they see some guy & get all stimulated just at the drop of a hat? Say they’re an ass girl & they see the most beautiful guy ass in the world, is it all boing city for them right off? Because if they do (gals that I know don’t talk about this & one can’t just bring it up. You’ll get weird looks & no answers. I know, I’ve tried.), am I just really that picky?
Also, wet dreams? How exactly are they different (or the same?). Sure, I’ve had this happen. Woken up… ready… from a sexy dream, but… that doesn’t seem to be the same as the guy. That seems more like having an erection when they wake up (which how is that even a thing? Since it’s not mentioned that they were having a sexy dream… they simply just woke up that way! *waves arms*), but to hear it from guys they full on came from that sexy dream. Not just a slight… emission & “whoops” there’s a mess here, but I could totally finish this fantasy out. Does it vary? Do guys even have this happen later in life?
There’s just unanswered questions, where I feel no one wants to know the specifics except me, so I just have to go with “it’s gnomes”.
I’ve mentioned before that I have an Amazon Echo. Lil’ Small got it free with some telly purchase promotion, so it was my Christmas gift this past year. Anyways, not the point. The point is I have one, it’s in the kitchen, & I’m not gonna be payin’ for Amazon music, so we tell Echo to play the free stuff basically.
It seems like every time we say, “Echo, play 80’s music” & she responds in her New Zealand accent (because yeah, I totally set her voice as that), tells us it’s “The station 80’s pop, free on Amazon….”, Journey’s song Don’t Stop Believin’ is always at the starting gate.
And that happened the other night when I was baking. ‘Well… fuck.’ “Echo play 80’s rock.”. I tried 80’s metal & 70’s rock, before I finally asked for 70’s metal. Because none of the starting songs were anything I wanted to listen to, until she played 70’s metal & it was Sabbath. “Now, this is what I’m talkin’ about!” & began to rock out while baking my cupcakes.
There are two funny things here. So, I was away from the kitchen twice, while the cupcakes were in the oven (two baking times, ya know), but the rest of the time (from mixing them, filling the cups, taking them outta the oven), it was basically only Sabbath. I’m not complainin’, but they played Detroit Rock City by KISS & School’s Out by Alice Cooper, & that was it. Is 70’s metal… thin on the ground?
So, that was funny thing number one. The second funny thing is that when KISS was on dad asked, “Is this that German music you like?”, I mean it’s not like I only ever listen to Rammstein, which is who he’s referencing. “No dad, it’s KISS. Ya know, they painted their faces black & white. Gene Simmons is the lead singer & would always stick out his tongue?”. He shook his head no.
Sure, KISS is after his time & more something his little brother would know about, but dad does know a lot about music. Plus, he’s older now. A little dotty (though no he doesn’t have dementia) & he is rather hard of hearing. But then later when Alice Cooper was on he asked if this was the band that painted their faces. “No, KISS was the band that painted their faces. This is Alice Cooper, though he did also paint his face.”
I come back downstairs & Symptom of the Universe by Sabbath is playing, one of my ultimate favourites. Then dad asks, “Which band was Ozzy Osbourne with?” “Ooh! This one dad! Sabbath! Black Sabbath.” “That’s Ozzy?” “Yeah.” “Was he by himself?” “Yeah, later. But this is before that.”
“Which music is better?” “Both. It depends.” “Both?” “Yeah, when Ozzy was with Sabbath they were awesome, but also his early solo work is awesome because he had an epic guitarist onboard, though some of his later stuff is good too.”
“His wife… she was in the band?” “No, but she was/is his manager with his solo career.”
I mean dad watched news, so even if he never saw the telly show The Osbournes, he’d have heard of it. But to even remember this connection that Ozzy Osbourne had such a prevalent wife who’s “part” of the band is amazing for someone who’s musical choices are Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, & Jimmi Hendrix.
I know it’s because of my brother. They were thick as thieves & would talk a lot, with my brother showing him his music. “Hey, Uncle Paul, I bet you’d like this one.” I’m almost certain, like a thousand percent, that he told my dad about The Trooper by Iron Maiden & even got him to listen to it, or at least told him what it was about.
Plus, my mom having kittens over Ozzy Osbourne & not wanting my brother or myself to listen to his music. Dad’s not going to easily forget that turmoil in the house. It’s in there, in some capacity, ya know?
But it was the fact that dad was so cool about it. Just asking questions & wanting to know/remember, & not judging or saying “That music is the devil!” while clutching his proverbial pearls.
I mean, it was funny recently, a few years ago, when I was spinnin’ some Sabbath on the record player & mom asked about it. She’s too old to spit venom over Ozzy, but she sure was suckin’ lemons when I said it was Ozzy Osbourne’s first band. “You know Ozzy Osbourne mom.” The “Yes….” that she uttered could have cut glass. She didn’t roll her eyes, but the intention was there, man.
I guess you had to be here. Growing up, I mean my mom fucking hated him. She’d have tantrums about him. Screaming about him while walking through the kitchen & den. “He’s evil! He’s of the devil! He’ll take all the souls of our little children to hell with him! Don’t listen to his music!”
I’m not kidding. She really did sound like a crazy person warning about the end of the world. I felt like she needed some sign & a fucking tinfoil hat. And I’m tonin’ it way down here y’all. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had just dropped dead in the kitchen with her last words being Ozzy Osbourne on an anxiety stricken face. “Sorry dad” we’d have said when he got home from work. “Ozzy finally got her.”
Needless to say, because of how crazy she was, it did feel a little evilly good to tell her that her baby daughter was listening to Ozzy Osbourne, blatantly , in her house, & there wasn’t fuck all she could do about it. All her rantings & warnings didn’t do a thing to “save my soul.” That makes me a bad daughter doesn’t it? I’m goin’ to hell, aren’t I? I mean, I was probably going anyways, but that just helps cement it, yeah? Hahaha
Or when my dad asked about my AC/DC shirt. “But aren’t they a bad band? Music of… the devil?!” but it was cute because he asked it like a five year old, asking about faerie stories in a timid voice, & I had to try & not laugh at him, because it was cute.
Anyways, this went all weird, but my brain has strange tracks it follows, so…
Alien Tea Shoppe 